Lessons and Learnings
7/5/20265 min read
Great Quotes, Lessons, and Learnings:
"The family is one of nature's masterpieces." - George Santayana
“The love of family and the admiration of friends is much more important than wealth and privilege." - Charles Kuralt
"Family is a lifejacket in the stormy sea of life." - J.K. Rowling
“Family is found in your heart.” - Maya Angelou
"Family means no one gets left behind or forgotten." - David Ogden Stiers
“Friends are just family chosen by you.” – Various
"Families are like fudge - mostly sweet, with a few nuts." – Les Dawson
Remember, it's the nuts that make the sundae special.
Like many of my Lesson and Learning editions, I am not the expert on the topic, but I feel like I have learned how to do things better as I listen, read, observe, and practice and I want to share.
Selfishly, I write for myself and hope you enjoy and gain from it too.
I started to write this edition about family and then decided to add in friends as a topic too. Many times our friends and family have been ubiquitous or “friends are just the family chosen by you”. I asked myself these questions, who are/were my friends? and then I asked myself what is a friend?
I immediately thought of times when I was younger when my best friends and I would spend some long summer days doing “nothing”. We were bored and had a choice on how and who to spend our boredom with. I remember times, mostly around the 4th of July, that my friends and I would get small firecrackers “lady fingers” and light them one at a time. We would sit on a small bridge over a little trickle of water running underneath and light the firecracker, wanting the perfect timing of flicking the firecracker off the little bridge and hitting the water at the exact moment of the “bang” and thus causing a splash of water to erupt.
I remember spending time with friends in my hometown just driving - I know this might sound crazy today - just to drive with someone, just to be present with them and see the countryside together.
I remember spending countless hours in the creek next to my home farm, walking through the cattle or deer trails and stopping every now and then to toss something into the water or wander along the water to see if there were any fish minnows, which were really just frog tadpoles, but fish somehow seemed more cool than frogs.
I remember spending time with a friend in college when we were there for our Summer jobs. If you have ever spent time on a college campus in the Summer, it’s very different than the hustle you might be more familiar with during the school year. A college friend and I would spend nearly every day after our campus job, going to a large field by the recreational facility and throw a Frisbee back and forth for hours.
Today, I understand and realize better that these were not times that I did “nothing” as it might have seemed then.
The commonality of all these times were: we did not spend a lot of money; we would talk about things and other times not; we had choices of where to spend our time and we chose to spend it together. Also, I remember when we did discuss things, if we disagreed, we did not try to over convince each other of our point of view. More so, it was about understanding the other point of view.
Lesson and Learning #1 - Be Present with Family and Friends.
To have a successful family, spend time together. I have never heard anyone tell me that they wish they had spent less time with their kids and spouse or that the time that they spent with their family was not immensely valuable. How you treat them, what you say, and how you act, are all parts of the learning experience. Like family, I believe it’s the same with friends. It takes some extra effort to spend time with friends, have genuine interest in them, and act with respect even when there are disagreements.
Successful family and friends relationships are not always about saying “yes” to everything. I can recall times, when my friends or family would want to borrow money or something else from me, and the answer was not always “yes” because I knew that certain friends or family members were not as dependable to pay me back and/or return the item - thus, creating a more difficult moment. Sometimes saying “no” is an important part of learning to foster strong relationships. It’s not always easy to say no, but it’s a great thing to learn how to do in a respectful way.
Lesson and Learning #2 - Understand Your Partner/Spouse.
Half of marriages end in divorce. – I don’t know if this is the accurate statistic, but I can say this:
Choose your spouse/partner wisely by understanding what they value, how they treat others, including you, and their ability to handle conflict and change.
Talk about money priorities BEFORE you choose your spouse/partner.
If you want to know what someone values, look at their calendar (where they spend their time) and their bank account (where they spend their money).
Agree on kids
The “why” you want or don’t want to have your own children.
Know that things change.
Therefore, pick your spouse/partner who has a set of core values that everything else is measured against. Thus, making change within the core values much easier to do. With friends and family, if you have had some conflict together, you know you can adapt and improve upon the situation, together.
Lesson and Learning #3 - It takes some effort.
Whether with friends or family, it takes some effort. I don’t think you should feel bad to be intentional about fostering a friendship or expecting quality time with your family.
Some things that come to mind:
Plan ahead – whether with the family or friend. Make it a “date”. With the family, I think it’s great when Mom and Dad make a reservation, get everyone around and on time, and “break bread” together. It's the same with friends. You might have to be just as intentional with friends.
Some of the key points with the kids:
Being on time for a dinner reservation teaches some accountability.
Respect to the waiter/waitress gives the opportunity for mutual respectful dialogue.
During the meal. Ask open questions and let the kids answer.
Try not to let anyone answer for your kids, they must answer the question(s).
Try to ask open ended questions with a level of specificity like: what was the most interesting or unique thing you did today and why?...many kids will answer "I don't know"
So have a follow-up that is easier, "what is on your agenda for tomorrow /what are you going to do tomorrow and then ask why?"
When reasonably able, let the kids order their own food. It's a small way to help them understand that they have choices and those choices have consequences, and you trust them. If they make the wrong choice, it’s not the “end of the world”. They learned what they don’t like. They can do it better next time.
It’s fun to spend resources (time and money) to get treated well. It’s fun to relax together, feel some pride, and enjoy being served.
When you are with a friend, spend equal time asking questions and listening. Just be present, you don't have to talk all the time. You don’t need to be a know it all. It's amazing what might come up, when there is some quiet time together.
I write for myself just as much as I write for you. The practice of writing helps us to: reflect, learn, and grow. Be the family and friend that attract others to your circle. Make a friend today!
"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together. Keep me in your heart. I'll be there forever." - Winnie the Pooh
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