Own yourself

Extreme Ownership

Lessons and Learnings - Edition #20 | Self-improvement | October 18, 2026

When someone first hears the words “extreme ownership,” they might picture a person with three garages, six lawn mowers, and a storage unit full of things they forgot they owned. That would certainly be a lot of ownership. It might even be extreme.

However, that is not the kind of extreme ownership I am talking about this week.

I am referring to the leadership idea shared by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin in their book Extreme Ownership. Admittedly, it has been years since I read the book. I may not remember every chapter, but one lesson stayed with me: before I blame someone else, I should look honestly at my own part in the situation.

If you have followed my Lessons and Learnings for a while, you know I have been fortunate to have great coaches in my life. You also know I am still a work in progress. Some days there is more “work” than “progress,” but I keep trying to get a little better each day.

The defensive reflex

Suppose I give someone instructions, and the result is not what I expected. My first question might be, “Why didn’t you do what I asked?” The other person may answer, “I didn’t understand,” or, “You weren’t listening to me when I was asking questions.”

At that moment, it is very easy to become defensive. My ego quickly puts on a hard hat, grabs a clipboard, and starts building a case for why I am right.

Defensiveness can show up in several familiar ways:

• Pointing out the other person’s faults instead of addressing the issue at hand. This is sometimes called “what-about-ism.”

• Making excuses, denying what happened, or immediately saying, “It’s not my fault.”

• Counterattacking with sarcasm, irritation, or a sharper response than the situation deserves.

• Shutting down, walking away, or giving the silent treatment.

• Explaining our good intentions before we acknowledge the impact of our actions.

I have probably used every one of these at some point. If defensiveness earned reward points, I might already have a free flight.

Make the message your responsibility

One lesson I took from Extreme Ownership is that when someone does not understand my message, I should first ask what I could have done differently.

Someone does not understand what I said? I need to explain it more clearly.

Someone heard the words but missed the message? I need to try a different approach.

Someone is not ready to hear it? I may need better timing, more patience, or simply a pause.

That is difficult to accept. It is much easier to say, “They just don’t get it.” It is also usually less useful.

The goal is to help the message reach the right audience, at the right time, and with the right heart. Communication is not complete simply because words left my mouth. Believe me, plenty of words have left my mouth without accomplishing anything useful.

Different seasons require different approaches

I think about this when communicating with people at different stages of life:

• With a child, am I explaining things in a way the child can understand? Do I have the patience to teach when the child is ready to learn, rather than only when I am ready to teach?

• With an adolescent or young adult, can I accept the person they are becoming? Can I offer guidance without trying to install my opinions like a mandatory software update?

• With another adult, can I be clear about expectations and still remain open to a different, possibly better, way of doing something?

• With someone later in life, can I slow down and listen to understand the experiences that shaped their point of view?

The principle is the same, but the approach may need to change. Extreme ownership asks me to care enough about the other person to communicate in a way that has a chance to connect.

Understanding is not the same as agreement

There is another possibility we sometimes overlook: the other person may understand us perfectly and still disagree.

Ouch.

They may have heard every word. They may understand our reasoning. They may simply believe we are wrong. Extreme ownership does not guarantee agreement, and it does not mean we must apologize our way through every conversation: “It’s my fault.” “No, it’s mine.” “No, please, I insist. I would like all the blame.”

That would not be ownership. That would be an awkward contest nobody should want to win.

Extreme ownership means I examine my part before I criticize theirs. Did I listen? Was I clear? Did I choose the right time? Did I speak with respect? Was I trying to help, or was I trying to win?

Your ego is not your amigo

Well, friends, your ego is not your amigo.

That does not mean everything is our fault. It does not mean other people avoid accountability, and it does not mean we carry burdens that truly belong to someone else. Leadership often requires a balance between taking responsibility and holding others responsible. Willink and Babin explore that balance in The Dichotomy of Leadership, which may be a topic for another Lessons and Learnings edition.

Mirrors are useful, but they are not always flattering.

A simple practice

The next time a conversation goes poorly, I am going to try asking myself four questions:

• What part of this situation do I own?

• What could I have communicated more clearly?

• What did I fail to hear?

• What can I do differently next time?

Those questions do not remove accountability from anyone else. They simply help me begin with the one person I can influence most directly: myself.

As the old reminder goes, when I point one finger at someone else, three fingers are pointing back at me. My thumb appears undecided, but three out of four is still a convincing majority.

Final lesson

Extreme ownership can be extremely humbling. It can also be freeing. I do not have to wait for everyone else to change before I improve my communication, my leadership, or my relationships. As many of my great coaches installed upon me and the teams I was on.

“If it is to be, it’s up to me.”

We had great teams because everyone did their part to their best and did not make excuses, they just tried to get better each repetition, practice, and day.

I will not get it right every time. None of us will. The lesson is to own a mistake or misunderstanding, learn from it, make the next time better, and keep moving forward.

That is self-improvement. That is leadership. That is extreme ownership.

Please check out my Books, Videos, and Podcast section to order Extreme Ownership from Amazon or order from your favorite bookstore. Listen to this week's podcast about leadership, vulnerability, and how to build credibility and trust.

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