Faithful to the Family

Faithful to the Family

"I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say." — Flannery O'Connor

This is a topic that is very interesting to read about. I found various opinions and statistics. I am not any better and maybe even worse in my understanding and observations, but since this my blog, I get to write what seems to stick out to me.

Admittedly, my short blog might accomplish little in the grand scheme of things, but I write because I enjoy it, it helps me know what I think, it’s a forcing factor for writing which helps me in other ways and lastly, if I can make a difference to just one person, that is enough for me.

“If you think the price of happiness is high, wait until you get the bill of regret” – Tim Grover (legendary trainer for Michael Jordan)

First some stats about marriage and divorce

Key Divorce Statistics and Rates

• Overall Rate: The U.S. crude divorce rate is about 2.3 to 2.5 per 1,000 people, with roughly 674,000 divorces and annulments granted annually.

• By Marriage Number:

  • First marriages: ~35% to 45% end in divorce.

  • Second marriages: ~60% end in divorce.

  • Third marriages: ~70% end in divorce.

• Duration: The median duration of a marriage in the U.S. is 12 years (with some estimates pointing to an average of 8 years), and about 40% of divorces happen within the first decade.

• Gray Divorce: While overall divorce rates have fallen, "gray divorce" (for adults aged 50 and older) has risen significantly, accounting for roughly 40% of all current divorces.

• Who Initiates: Women file for or initiate roughly 66% to 70% of all divorces.

Why do people divorce? In my opinion.

· Poor communication at the beginning and it continues into the marriage until the marriage ends

· Infidelity

· Financial stress

· Substance abuse and addiction

· Domestic abuse

People are marrying less and later. Divorce rates are trending lower and I believe it’s because:

· People are more independent and especially women continue to find their independence from men

· Growth in Higher Education – especially amongst women

· Lower birthrates – especially among the young women

· Waiting to get married

· Co-inhabitation

I believe if I would sum it up the main cause of divorce is about poor communication.

· About financial understanding

· Not feeling heard about what are wants and needs

The actions become the message. We stop asking, start assuming, and eventually talk more about the other person than with the other person. A conversation about spending becomes an argument about priorities. A missed call becomes “you never make time for me.” Before long, we are keeping score in a game neither person remembers agreeing to play. My lesson: address the concern while it is still a concern, not after it has become a collection.

The most important lesson: communication matters, but it is not a cure for everything. Addiction, betrayal, and abuse require more than a better conversation. Safety comes first, and getting qualified help is not a failure. For the everyday challenges I am talking about here, though, being honest early is a much better plan than hoping someone eventually reads your mind.

The early years

Assume if you cannot communicate your needs and wants early in a relationship, don’t assume it will get better. 1. You need to learn to communicate your needs and wants, take the ownership that you have to communicate. 2. You cannot be silent and assume that it will change once your married 3. Recognize things will change through life and there will be phases of easier and more difficult times

The action: get educated about what you want, need, and expect. Learn how to support yourself and how to contribute to a partnership. Independence and teamwork do not have to compete. You can be capable on your own and still be better together.

Talk about money. What are we saving for? What do we owe? What feels worth spending on, and what makes us nervous? Discuss the decisions before the purchase, not just when the statement arrives. A budget should be a shared plan, not a surprise inspection.

Talk about family. Discuss children, parenting, holidays, household responsibilities, and how you will help extended family. Things that seem obvious to you may not be obvious to the person you married. Apparently, “the way we always did it at my house” is not a legally binding agreement.

Talk about dreams and desires. Ask what the other person hopes to learn, try, build, or become. Then share your own. Revisit the conversation as life changes. The dream you had when you first met does not have to be the only dream you are allowed to have.

In the middle

Do things together that are not just obligations. Take a walk, make dinner, try something new, or sit and talk without a screen between you. Family life needs more than rides, bills, and a discussion about who forgot to buy milk. Put a little enjoyment on the calendar, too. It does not have to be expensive to count.

Understand that closeness can change through different seasons of life. You might not always feel the same excitement you felt at the beginning. The key is not to assume a quieter season means the relationship is finished, or that lasting disconnection will fix itself. Stay curious, make time for each other, and talk about what is missing. Seek help together when you need it. A marriage deserves attention before it reaches the emergency room.

Be the first. Not because you are always wrong or should carry the whole relationship, but because someone has to start the next good conversation. Taking initiative is not losing. Ideally, both people learn to do it.

Call. Check in because you care, not only because you need something.

Praise. Notice the effort and say specifically what you appreciate. Do not make your family guess what they are doing right.

Apologize – this one might be the most difficult. Say what you did, acknowledge the impact, and explain what you will do differently. “I am sorry, but…” usually means the apology is about to leave the building.

Ask. “What do you need from me?” Then listen. Sometimes the answer is help; sometimes it is simply a chance to finish a sentence without your solution arriving halfway through it.

Learn to be an educator

Teaching helps you and others learn. When you explain your reasoning, you make room for questions and admit that you might not have every answer. That takes some vulnerability. Teach without turning every family conversation into a seminar, and be willing to learn from the people you are teaching.

If you have been in the habit of response “because I said so”. Then your child might be shocked when you actually start explaining. Start big or small. No, you cannot eat candy because it’s not healthy and if you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything. No, you cannot borrow the car tonight because I need to use it to go to the store so we have things to eat and then I am going to see my mother in the hospital because I care about her and she likes to see me and it might help her heal faster.

Later in life

I am getting closer to being able to speak from experience. However, I am not ready to claim expert status, so I will keep this shorter. Getting older does not automatically make us wiser. Sometimes it just means we need better lighting to read the instructions.

Keep getting to know the person you married. Ask, “What would you like this next chapter to look like?” Talk about retirement, work, where you want to live, how much time you want together, and what you still want to try. Being in the same house is not the same as being connected. Neither is sitting next to each other while independently scrolling.

Let your role with your children change. As they become adults, aim to be someone they can call, not someone they have to report to. Ask whether they want advice or just someone to listen. Stay interested without needing to run the meeting. Their choices may be different from yours, and different does not automatically mean wrong. Offer support, respect reasonable boundaries, and keep building a relationship that is more than a list of corrections.

Make the practical conversations an act of care. Talk about money, household responsibilities, health needs, and what support you would want if circumstances change. Get qualified guidance for financial, legal, or medical decisions when needed. These may not be the most exciting conversations, but leaving your family to guess is not much of a gift. And while you are caring for each other, keep friendships, interests, and things to learn. Your spouse can be your favorite person without having to be your entire entertainment department.

Do not save all the good things for “someday.” Make the call, share the meal, take the walk, and say the thank you. Create new traditions when the old ones no longer fit. Later in life is not just a time to look back at what you built. It is a chance to keep building. My idea of success in marriage and family is not that we never disagree. It is that we keep showing up with respect, taking responsibility, and making room for one another to grow.

Start with one thing you can do better today. Then do it again tomorrow.

Lessons and Learnings |

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