Being Coached and Being a Coach
8/16/20263 min read
Coaching, Being Coached, Feedback, and Making the Most of Your Talents
When I was younger and sometimes still today, I find it difficult to truly listen and receive feedback.
I remember being a young athlete with coaches trying to help me, and all I wanted was for them to stop talking so I could get back to practicing. I was competitive. I wanted reps. I wanted contact. I wanted the next play.
There is a lot of value in repetition, aggressiveness, competitiveness, and hard work. AND there is big value in stopping. Slowing the drill down. Being corrected. Trying again. The best athletes in the world and their team's management invest heavily in coaches, trainers, and people who can see what they cannot see.
Over time, I was fortunate to change some of my attitude toward feedback and try to see what maybe I could not. I needed help and I needed to accept it.
A big part of that came from great sports coaches, especially my high school football coach, Coach Roger Barta, and his staff in Smith Center, Kansas.
When I entered High School football, I knew I had a lot to learn. I was a freshman walking into a physical sport with seniors who were literally twice my size and weight. I was nervous about the dark film room, where every mistake could be replayed, paused, and critiqued, sometimes in painfully slow motion. At first, it was all intimidating.
But I was fortunate. I had coaches who understood that tearing something down and building it back up is part of getting better. It was not hazing. It was not degrading. It was people helping each other improve.
“We will learn to like each other, and we will eventually love each other. No one here is more important than the person next to you. We will get better together. Make sure there is good on good in drills today and get your reps in…get better today” — Coach Roger Barta, Smith Center, KS
Once I started playing more under the Friday night lights, I knew what was waiting for me on Monday afternoon: the grade sheet. Every play for the team and as an individual would be marked with a plus, a zero, or a minus.
The plus marks and comments felt great: “great angle and pursuit,” “shoulders square,” “good anticipation,” or the simple and unforgettable “great hit.”
The minus marks were harder to read: “poor angle,” “don’t let them cross your face,” and the very worst one of all, “poor effort.”
My coaches often told us we should be grateful when we received feedback, because it meant someone was paying attention to us and cared. That idea has stayed with me.
What I’ve learned about feedback:
Receiving feedback is not easy.
Giving feedback is not easy.
Learning to receive feedback is one of the most important skills for improvement.
Good feedback is rare, because even well-intended people do not always know how to give it well.
The best feedback is meant to help, not hurt.
So, how do we become better learners and coaches?
A few things I keep coming back to:
Leave your pride at the door.
You are not much different than anyone else. You are not special, yet.
You can be special by being a learner and maximizing your talents.
You can be special by being an empathetic coach to someone else to help them maximize their talents.
Ask genuine questions and listen to understand.
Don’t be a “smart-ass”.
Be a listener, learner, and then giver.
Start with the why.
When you coach, start with why the lesson is important and the impact the lesson has on the situation and others.
Tell a story the other person can relate to.
Be humble. Be polite. Keep a sense of humor.
If you want to be a better storyteller, learn from the best comedians who have mastered the art of the story and punch line.
At the same time, don’t take yourself too seriously.
It’s o.k. to take certain situations very seriously.
Don’t lower your standards on what matters most.
Know what matters. Be hard on the problem and soft on the person.
I believe almost anyone can be a coach in our lives: a spouse, a child, a colleague, or a close friend. Sometimes a spouse gives the clearest feedback. Sometimes a child gives the least filtered feedback. Colleagues see us in ways others do not. And a close friend, if they care enough to be honest, can be one of the most valuable coaches AND they are the hardest to find.
The real question is motive. Before giving feedback, ask yourself: Am I trying to help this person get better, or am I trying to win, punish, or get even? At the same time, when you get feedback, if it is from someone who believes in you and loves you, take the feedback seriously. In all situations, if you are receiving feedback, just think and know that you can learn from every experience.
“You're basically the sum of all the experiences you've ever had” - Various
It is demanded of you to make the most of your experiences and your talents to help yourself and others!
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